Disney Princesses Who Disappoint Me

I won’t lie to you…I’m a HUGE Disney freak.

I’m twenty-four years old, and I still enjoy watching Aladdin with a side of pizza bites when my man goes out with the guys. I regularly stream The Lion King Soundtrack through my Apple Music account. I’m also quite partial to the Mulan Soundtrack. I must say, nothing makes me feel quite as motivated and productive while I’m busy at work than listening to a song about getting down to business to defeat those damn  Huns. True Story.

A fun fact about me that you probably already would have guessed: Growing up, I was a huge girly-girl. From the ages of four to eight, I would regularly get in trouble for stealing my mother’s lipstick. I would also wear her gold bangle bracelets and stomp around my parents’ bedroom in a pair of seven year old skinny high heeled pumps. Another true story.

With that being said,you can bet your ass I loved me some Disney Princesses!  I absolutely LIVED to dress up like them for Halloween. One year I went as Belle, another as Pocahontas. I had several Disney Princess Barbies. I would act out the stories from their movies, making different Disney Princess dolls or another Barbie doll alternate turns  playing the part of the prince.

Another fun fact: My (genuinely <3) wonderful parents who have always supported me and encouraged me to dream big coincidentally never bought me a Ken doll when I was little. This meant that all  of my dolls were lesbians. Kind of. No disrespect to Barbies who really are lesbian, but I would always pretend that one of the dolls was a boy. I had a really awesome imagination. I guess you could say that I was destined to be a writer.

Where was I? I still love Disney Princesses-some of them, that is. Call me whatever you want to call me , but I personally feel that  several of the Disney Princesses are sad and weak. Some of them just plain fail to exhibit any sense of self.  If I ever have children, I plan to use  examples involving  Disney Princesses to teach them about sexism and the inaccurate portrayal of women as the weaker sex.

I hear you being judgmental.

B*tch, are you really going to go and ruin Disney for your children like that?”

To that I say, relax. I’ll let my kids eat as much candy and ice cream as they want while I educate them about the patriarchal society we live in, and how the media (including Disney movies with princesses in them ) perpetuates some of the most  ridiculous ideologies regarding women.

I plan to use the following characters  as examples. Introducing..

Disney Princesses that Disappoint Me

Ariel from The Little Mermaid -Okay, so let me start off by saying I absolutely love the name Ariel. It’s so very pretty. That still doesn’t mean I like that little red-headed mermaid beeyotch. She gives up her voice, the literal ability to express herself, to be with a man…and the relationship ends up working out! Wtf kind of message does that send to young people? In the movie with real actors (I believe in the fairy tale as well), Ariel ends up turning into sea foam at the end of the film. I like that better, it’s a much more realistic portrayal of what can happen when you let your voice be silenced for another person in a relationship.

Belle from Beauty & The Beast– Okay, so I love a lot of things about Belle. I love that she’s smart, and a total bookworm. I love that she helps her father, and that she tells Gaston where to go on the regular.

Let me also make it clear that  I think that Belle is  very sweet for wanting to stay with the Beast so that she can help him to conquer all of his demons. It’s extremely kind, selfless, and thoughtful. In real life, it can be  extremely dangerous. How many women have gotten hurt-whether physically, mentally, and/or emotionally-from staying with and/or trying to fix men who were as volatile as The Beast? The Beast has issues, dude. If Belle were one of my girlfriends, I would probably be planning an intervention. I’m not even kidding. I’ve never had an intervention for anyone before. If I were to have one for Belle or whoever, I would definitely serve pretzels and hummus. Just  a random thought…

Snow White & Sleeping Beauty-I don’t like Snow White and I think Sleeping Beauty is boring. While these opinions of mine stick out to me, they are far from being my biggest gripes. I put these two princesses together because I have the same problem with both of them …

What really perturbs me is that neither one of them could get their asses out of bed without a prince coming to kiss them. Like, really? I mean, if Snow & Aurora felt like they needed a few extra hours of some good old fashioned shut eye, that’s totally okay. I can respect that, understand it even. But you’re telling me that neither one of them would have ever woken up ever again if it weren’t for their princes? Ever? Wow. Just wow.

But it does make me think- I would really like to see a grown up PG-13 version of Sleeping Beauty or Snow White.  The Prince would come and kiss whichever Princess (Snow or Aurora), and she’d yawn, stretch, and groggily say, “I’m not done sleeping yet. I’ll take care of you in a few hours, Charming…Wait, we just did it last night. Goddammit, are you serious? You’re doing this to me already? Ask me again tonight, we’ll see…just kidding, I have my period…Can you put the fan on on your way out?”

Har Har Har 😀

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